Sleep On It

I was laying in bed last night, on the right side of the bed, when a thought popped into my head. If I decide to move in with another boyfriend, how do we decide who sleeps on what side of the bed? Pondering this question kept me up for quite a while. I tried to remember how I handled this question when I was living with my ex-boyfriend, but cannot remember having such a conversation. In the interest of falling asleep, and to avoid revisiting this question in the future, I made up a list of arguments I will make to my future live-in boyfriend about why I should sleep on the right side of the bed.

• I wake up first, therefore I need to be near the alarm clock.
• I wake up during the night to go to the bathroom, therefore I need to sleep closer to the bathroom.
• I am more sensitive to the temperature of the room, therefore I need to be closer to the air vent.
• I am more likely to have sex with you if I can sleep on the right side of the bed.
  

Maybe when I moved in with my ex we slept on different sides of the bed so no discussion was necessary. Maybe I was in love and didn’t care where I slept as long as I got to sleep next to him. But I’m older and wiser now and the next time I live with someone I will make sure I get my side of the bed. I will tell him this: sleep on the left side or find somebody else to sleep with! If that doesn’t work, I will have much farther to walk to go to the bathroom.

How to Love Your Flute

While browsing an online bookstore I stumbled upon one of the most unique book titles I have ever seen. And to really capture your imagination, read a snippet of the preface below.

“Shepard has come up with the most unique flute manual I have ever seen. It is direct, complete, informative on every aspect, and—most important—comes from the standpoint of pure love and respect for the instrument. . . . [This] book serves as a model for our times, and it is an inspiration for those who want to get more out of life through the joys of flute playing.”—Paul Horn, from the Preface

Would you rather.....#1

Would you rather.....is a new addition to the blog where I'll pose a question and you have to choose between two alternatives. Use the comments section to post your answers and explanations. There are no right or wrong answers but your preferences will tell the whole world just how dysfunctional you really are.


Would you rather five nickels or one quarter? Would you feel different if it were five singles or a five dollar bill?

Will You Need a Receipt?

It’s time again to point out the hypocrisy of the environmentalists. The United States Postal Service touts on its website all the ways they are environmentally friendly. They have the largest fleat of alternative fuel capable vehicles. The word capable is the most interesting part of the sentence. Businesses should tailor their mailers to customers who may actually use their products. But it does state direct marketing returns $12 in sales-- a higher return on investment than other marketing technique. They do after all have to keep their direct marketing friends who purchase large amounts of postage. They have Cradle to Cradle certification--products are made from recyclable materials and can then be recycled at the end of their useful life. But isn’t it funny the size of the receipt they print for buying a book of stamps? The receipt is ten inches long by three inches wide. Almost a foot long receipt for a single book of stamps bought with cash! I have a couple of suggestions I would like to offer up to the Post Office. First, maybe they should cut down on the amount of crap typed on the receipt. Second, have a recyclable bin right at the counter for people to throw away their useless receipts. Finally, we can skip the hypocrisy and waste of paper by not printing useless receipts. Just a suggestion.

Why the NYT Shouldn’t Celebrate Weddings

I have a subscription to the Sunday New York Times. With the exception of the sports section, I read the paper front to back. My least favorite part of the paper is the Style section. I may soon be adding the Style section to the discard pile for two reasons: weddings/celebrations.

The last few pages of the Style section is titled Weddings/Celebrations and highlights upcoming weddings or those who were just wed. I don’t know what criteria the paper uses to pick those who will be featured but I find all of the entries a little nauseating. Let me explain.

Each entry has a snapshot of the smiling couple with their names on top of the picture. For straight couples, the woman’s name is on top. I don’t know how they order the names of same sex couples because some seem to be listed alphabetically by first name while others are listed by last name. Not being able to identify how the top name gets picked is frustrating. If this is a telling piece of information I want to know about it.

Their story begins with a brief bio, where the wedding will take place and who is officiating. Here you get to see how many men have three first names or whether they were considered important enough to be given the family name. None of the men in today’s paper were seconds. Two were IIIs. Next they give the name of each of their parents. It seems that all the highlighted couples know who their dads are, and in fact, all their dads seem to be married to their moms. Maybe to make it into the paper you have to prove you’re not a bastard. The opening paragraph ends with the name of who will be officiating and the type of religious ceremony to be observed. Compromises on religious ceremonies shows how inclusive each couple wants to be. One couple chose the cheap route of a wedding in the Muncipial Building of NY but wanted to incorporate some of the rich Jewish traditions in the ceremony. Another couple's ceremony will incorporate both Jewish and Greek orthodox traditions. Jewish guilt?

The bio of the couple continues with their age and where they went to college. Nobody went to community college or technical school. A good portion of them had advanced degrees and graduated cum laude. I wonder what the average school loan debt this group of couples had? I don’t begrudge them having the benefit of parents who were able to pay for their college but I don’t need it spelled out in the newspaper. What to do after graduation? Get a great job, of coarse.

I did not see any short order cooks, retail associates or receptionists among the group. Maybe this is an off week and most other weeks include a much wider variety of careers. Instead, the group included doctors, lawyers, banking professionals, portfolio managers, advertising execs and directors of corporate communications. Would it kill them to include the announcement of the billion dollar heir to the world’s biggest oil company marrying the young buxom mall perfume girl?

Woman libbers of the world probably cut out and hang the entries I find the most irritating. Some of the women declare how they will be referred as after they are wed. One female doctor will “continue to use her name professionally.” Another says she will be “keeping her name.” Well no one asked you to give it away, Irene. I don’t even like your name. Another bride Erin will be taking her husband’s name. Feminist won’t be happy with that Erin. Then there is the couple who took compromising to the next level of absurdity. This couple decides they will not only take each other’s name, but will take a combination of the other’s family’s name. I’m not kidding. Her maiden last name is Luther and she will be known as Ms. Luther Hillman. Hillman is derived from their mothers’ maiden names, Hill (hers) and Freeman (his). Notice they didn’t use their mother’s married names. He will be known as Mr. Siracusa Hillman. Siracusa is his last name. There are a lot of choices one can make when getting married in regards to their last name but to use a combination of their mothers’ maiden names? This is going waaaaayyy to far.

The part I really don’t understand about these entries is why they give so much background information about the couple’s parents. They provide names, birth cities and occupations. If the announcement is suppose to be about the special day for the bride and the groom, why should there be any focus on the parents? Granted the parent’s did make them, grow them and send them out to the world with a paid for education, but enough is enough. I thought at first this was part of the bigger problem of how so much of weddings are about the person’s family. But then I rememberd they include their parents name because they are the one’s paying for the wedding. So kids have to give a shout out so they can have an open bar. You gotta give it to the kids. They know how to play the game. If they give a special note about how they grew up in a loving and supportive home and they would be nothing without their parents, do the couples also get a down payment on their first house?

I don’t think these wedding announcements are needed. And in the interest of being fair and balanced, shouldn’t they also include entries about divorces and settlements? Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see a picture of the home wrecker who broke up the marriage and how much the new piece of ass set the groom back? But I must admit one entry caught my attention. A former assistant press secretary for the national media for the Bush-Cheney campaign is marrying the current senior counsel for Jo Biden. Talk about reaching across the aisle. Mary Matalin and James Carville watch out.

Give Me My Bag Please

My experience at the grocery store today is not unusual. A 16 year old overachiever begins to haphazardly bag my groceries and is able to shove a large amount of groceries into two small plastic bags. I’m sure this bagging feat isn’t his personal best but it was still early in the day. As I was swiping my debit card I noticed two things. One, right outside of the customer service area was a container for recycling plastic bags. Two, the store is selling reusable canvas bags and the one on display was jabbing my arm. This is an effort for businesses to partner with the community to limit the number of plastic bags introduced into landfills and help spread their environmentally friendly philosophy. Well I wasn’t asked if I wanted to partner with anyone and I didn’t particular like the bagger man handling my melons. This arrangement does not work for me. Green is the new motto for grocers but not in an earth conscious way. They are worried about the green they spend buying plastic bags.

I know some of you will argue the cost of plastic bags is so minimal as to not be an issue for business. But isn’t the money saved on plastic bags one of the reasons tree huggers gave to businesses to sell them on this idea in the first place? You can’t have it both ways. And business has bought the idea so obviously cost savings is a consideration. But for those of us who still insist on using plastic, businesses next goal is to limit the number of bags used.

Almost every plastic bag I get at the store is recycled. I use them to bring my lunch to work, for the wastebaskets in the bathroom and to hold the trash in my car so I don’t have to litter. Let’s not forget the importance of plastic bags to the pooper scooper. Do you really want more shit on the sides of the roads? I wish I knew of a study that evaluated how often and for what purposes plastic bags get reused. The entrepreneurial spirit sparked someone to design a fabric decorative bag you can hang in the kitchen to store your grocery bags. We are losing enough jobs to cheap labor oversees and we don’t need to run more businesses into the ground on a trumped up idea about saving the planet.


I started my illustrious work career bagging groceries and I know management does tell employees to shove as much as possible into a bag. It is better on their public image if businesses say they are focused on saving the planet rather than on saving money. I’m all for being environmentally friendly but do not shove all my groceries in one bag. I’m in on the joke so fill someone else’s bag with your boxed excuses.

No Love in the Elevator

Limited space in areas like New York, Chicago or Beijing requires cities to build upwards, where in the Southwest our cities grow horizontally. The way the big cities are built is one of the reasons why I could never picture myself living in New York. I am bothered by what is a fact of life for those living in the city: elevators.

I am not afraid of heights. Nor am I claustrophobic. The reason elevators bother me is people don’t know how to properly board an elevator. (Can you board an elevator?) It’s rather simple-before people get on an elevator, the people on the elevator need to get off. Repeat--people get off, then people get on. It would seem this would be self evident however, some people, like mommies with strollers, think this common sense rule does not apply to them.

Mommies who get onto elevators have more than just a stroller with them. Accompanying them is a) another kid, about three years old who walks like he drank a bottle of Beam, b) bags adorning each of the handle bars of the stroller c) a large purse and d) a diaper bag holding every item she received at her baby shower. Once she gets in the elevator she then has to turn the stroller around so she can easily push the stroller out when she is getting off. This is when those still on the elevator start to mutter “excuse me” and “sorry”, awkwardly maneuver around said obstacles and walk away sighing. While all of this is going on, the mother is completely oblivious to the speed bump she has just caused to elevator traffic.

In all fairness, I’m not picking on mommies because I know there are other offenders out there. The just plain stupid always come out to represent their kind. I do have to hold the rest of us accountable for our role in this chaos. We need to start saying no more! If enough of us put our foot down, maybe we would stop getting our feet stomped on. Hold your heads high, puff out your chest and yell “I’m getting off! I’m getting off!“ Then let me know what happens.